You might be under the impression that you don’t need anything or that you don’t know what you need. If this is the case, start small by simply being honest about what you want or don’t want at the moment. You will, of course, talk about your past relationships too. Don’t feel like this needs to be all bad either. Sure, you might hate your exes now, but refrain from badmouthing them and include some positive experiences when you tell the story.
It might have made my reassurances more meaningful to him. Genny Finkel, LCSW, specializes in supporting individuals and couples reach their goals and foster healthy relationships. At Octave, she runs a four-session course called #RelationshipGoals. After completing this exercise, when someone hugs you, consciously choose to be open to the caring they offer as well as to the physical warmth. If you try to take in a hug but don’t feel comforted, it’s OK. You can continue to be aware of your experiences when you hug.
Once you consciously recognize this reaction, it can be very helpful to calm your reaction. Doing this involves recognizing the signs of when you are upset and then doing things that you know might calm or soothe you. For instance, you might go for a walk, listen to music, or take a hot bath. You can learn more about this with my brief video, Calming Your Distress.
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If we see vulnerability in relationships as something that makes our relationships better, it will be easier to let our guard down. And then, perhaps, we could experience the beauty of being vulnerable. When you are vulnerable with someone who cares for you and respects your boundaries, you build true intimacy. Vulnerability isn’t about being a pushover, but about gifting yourself with the space to exist.
The Little Habits That Keep Love Strong Over Time
Later on, you’ll read exact examples of showing your vulnerable side in a relationship. There are a lot of ways to open up to your partner, and you are about to learn some of the most effective ones. Keep reading to find out what it means and how to be more vulnerable in a relationship. Eventually, after more reflection and calming down a bit, I was able to realize that actually, I had placed an inordinate amount of expectations on my ex and I hadn’t been such a great boyfriend either.
And while vulnerability can’t guarantee connection, it’s the only way to create the conditions for it. Emotional vulnerability is most often felt as anxiety about being rejected, shamed, or judged as inadequate. It has been defined by Brene Brown as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure” (2012). Octave is a mental health practice that aims to create a society where people are as proactive and consistent about their emotional well-being as their physical fitness.
When Vulnerability Deepens Over Time
Instead of “You never listen to me” (top of the C, protector language), try “I feel invisible, and it scares me because I need you to see me” (bottom of the C, vulnerable truth). The vulnerable version is what is actually happening. When you feel yourself pulling away, going cold, picking a fight, over-explaining, or performing competence, pause.
As a result, we expect that we won’t be accepted and that others will fail us. We try to protect ourselves by keeping our guard up. Set some time aside for talking to each other, sharing your feelings, and really listening. Don’t wait for your turn to start talking, but instead focus on your partner.
The goal is to develop what’s known as a secure attachment style. A securely attached person tends to be much more comfortable with vulnerability, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Saba Harouni Lurie, Thisromance LMFT. Open and honest communication is the lifeblood of vulnerability. Sharing thoughts and feelings without reservation fosters trust and minimizes misunderstandings.
Originally, we developed our defenses to protect ourselves when we were dependent and helpless, and felt overwhelmed by the hurt of being rejected or ignored or not getting our needs met. But ultimately, they lead us astray, because as adults we can tolerate pain and frustration. Being defended and unwilling to be vulnerable hurts our connections to others. Finding supportive people helps foster vulnerability. When you have a sound support system, you don’t have to fear that your openness will be used against you or that someone will betray your trust. Opening up to others can be difficult, but you might have difficulty forming and maintaining relationships if you remain closed off.
A lot of us try to put on a thick skin and just grin and bear it when people needle at our sore spots or are just being pricks. It shows you’re not fazed by external pressures to look, act, or feel a certain way—that instead you accept reality for what it is and set out to work with what you have. The reason taking responsibility for your problems is so powerful is because it puts you in control of the solution. When you blame others, you’re handing over control to everyone and everything around you and—SPOILER ALERT—you can’t control everyone and everything around you. Dump the toxic relationship cycle with my free mini course on attachment styles. You might lose a friend or a client or a romantic partner.
It’s about letting your partner see you as you truly are, without masks or defenses. When both people in a relationship allow room for vulnerability, it creates a space where trust and connection can thrive. Vulnerability is the cornerstone of a healthy, thriving relationship. By embracing openness and authenticity, partners can create a deep and lasting connection built on trust and emotional intimacy. It takes courage to be vulnerable, but the rewards—a stronger, more resilient relationship—are well worth the effort. I love seeing the transformation my clients go through when they work on their goals of deepening their relationships.
If the activation is too severe, the couple is re-traumatized. They are not processing the moment; they are reliving every previous wound through the lens of the current one. The therapeutic work, and the work you must learn to do at home, is to keep the emotional temperature in a manageable range. Somewhere around a five to ten on the intensity scale, where you are present and activated but not forced to exit the room or attack. You might have to take a risk when you step out of your comfort zone and open up to someone. Sometimes that risk helps you form closer relationships with others, and sometimes it may help you learn who you can’t trust.
If you and your partner are struggling with this issue, try approaching it from all angles. Talk to them openly and honestly and take their needs into consideration just as much as you expect them to. You must learn about practices that make both of you feel safe in being vulnerable with each other. You’ll get through this together if you both put in the effort. The expert panel at Bonobology can help you do that, and it’s just a click away.
Your partner should be someone who wants the same things as you do. They won’t share the same thoughts – nor should they – but they must be willing to accept and understand how you think. When someone understands your feelings about the situations in your life, they can help you better deal with them. More importantly, a partner who understands you will help instill true vulnerability in a relationship. The more you practice being vulnerable, the easier it will get.
- So, you might want to grab a pad or open notes on your phone and write your thoughts about the exercise there.
- Past traumas and negative relationshipexperiences often haunt vulnerability.
- Research shows that clear boundaries contribute to relationship satisfaction and a sense of safety.
- You are not alone in what you’re going through.
We learn that we can show up as ourselves in our relationship without fearing rejection or shame because we are emboldened by our mutual support for each other. “We can resist being vulnerable as a coping mechanism and means of emotional protection,” Sommerfeldt says, echoing Amias. Establishing and respecting boundaries is essential.
But do you even know your true self if you frequently hide your emotions? Try to do this frequently and sit with the emotions rather than running from them. This could be because they were neglected, abandoned, shamed, or rejected in the past when they were vulnerable. Here are some initial steps and reminders to remember as you practice sharing and reaching out in your relationships. At Be BOLD Psychology and Consulting, we often remind couples that when you allow yourself to be seen authentically, you’re not just expressing emotion – you’re inviting connection, empathy, and healing. If you’ve been paying close attention, you’ve noticed that real, genuine vulnerability represents a form of power—a deep and subtle form of power.
